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SATIRE: Loyola administration amends dress code, pants now optional upon return to campus

In an unprecedented move, Loyola has updated its dress code, allowing students the option to not wear pants whenever they return to campus. This decision was made after an extensive faculty meeting, during which the members unanimously voted in favor of this new no-pants clause.

During a press release, Principal Frank Kozakowski, explaining how the administration came to make such a momentous change, noted, “The advent of online school has illuminated many aspects of our learning environment which were once deemed to be necessary, but are now thought of as distractions. After careful consideration, we have deduced that pants are not an integral part of the Loyola learning experience, and therefore pants are now optional both virtually and in person.” 

The principal added, “We’ve also consulted with students of all grade levels, most of whom admitted that they had not worn pants to a single class meeting since the beginning of the shutdowns. Furthermore, internal studies have shown that students who did not wear pants in class saw a 46% increase in productivity, while an additional 63% disclosed they enjoyed feeling a light breeze.”

However, some critics have attacked the program, saying that the policy is sure to lead to conflicts as students inevitably pick sides over the superiority of boxers or briefs. 

Senior Sean Adami pointed out, “Boxers have long been disregarded in the underwear debate. The myriad of interesting floral patterns and styles really offer owners of boxers a chance to reflect their personalities in their choice of garb.”

Junior Spencer Lee noted, “I was already self conscious when it came to my clothing choices, especially when it came to fitting in. Now, I face the insurmountable challenge of predicting whether boxers or briefs will be ‘in style’ by the time we return to campus permanently. How am I meant to know which underwear selection will prevent me from being the subject of significant social ostracizing?”

Kozakowski has attempted to relay fears surrounding what many students are referring to as “The Choice,” declaring that, no matter what each individual student decides to sport beneath their polos, their decision “will not factor into the next semester’s General Pants Allowance.”


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