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Satire #1

How to make the most of your school year: A guide

Well, Cubs, the new school year is upon us, and with a new school year comes new opportunities: new classes, athletics, arts and all that other jazz you can do on campus. However, despite what your counselors and teachers may say, taking honors and AP classes, following school rules and getting involved in extracurriculars is a sham! Don’t let those silly teachers and counselors fool you.

Honors and AP classes: A Hoax

We’ve all heard it over and over again: “If you want to be a competitive college applicant, you need to take lots of honors and AP classes.” Well, let me tell you personally that you’re being fooled. Colleges want smart kids, and what better way to show them your intelligence than by avoiding unnecessary stress? Don’t let your counselors fool you; be sure to drop all of your honors and AP classes as soon as you can!

Haste makes waste

Ahh, an almost timeless adage. How can this ancient wisdom benefit your Loyola experience?…  be late to class. Don’t let strolling into class late prevent you from stopping at Z’s during passing periods. Studies show that kids learn much worse when they’re hungry, so it’s certainly worth it to miss the first few minutes of class so you can wolf down that extra French toast bite.  

A busy Cub is a sad Cub

When you have lemons, make lemonade. When you have the opportunity to slide on out of the Dewey lot everyday at 2 p.m. (except on those darn Mondays), slide on out of the Dewey lot at 2 p.m.! Sure, you could spend your afternoons bumping heads with your fellow football-playing Cubs or tickling the ivories in the music room, but you know what else you could be doing? Binge-watching shows on Netflix on your couch at home. That’s right, with cinematic masterpieces like “The Office”, “Stranger Things” and “House of Cards” available at the tip of your fingertips at home, who would want to loiter around on campus for a few hours? Get home and treat yourself!

Hugs not Clubs

You’ve seen the signs; you can find them in basically every bathroom and hallway on campus. Some club is trying to get YOU to attend their meetings. The problem is that they’re trying to get every other average Joe on campus to attend their meetings. You are NOT an average Joe! Your time is precious! Don’t fall into this trap; instead, spend your time cracking jokes about the amount of work your buddy has over in AP Euro.  

Follow all these nifty steps, and you’ll be sure to have yourself one heck of a school year.


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