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Satire: The CCP, Proctorio, and You is new software introduced to Loyola that is meant to promote academic integrity by implementing every possible preventative cheating measure on exams from monitoring the tabs open on a laptop to recognizing when a student looks away from the screen. Sound familiar? Well, it should. These are only SOME of the same practices employed by the Chinese Communist Party in its effort to maintain the oppressive surveillance state that is the People’s Republic of China. 

Now, you may ask: How is a totalitarian government’s effort to silence political dissenters in any way related to a program meant to curb academic dishonesty? 

The answer might assume one thing: Loyola would never violate the trust between administration and students by implementing a software program that is so clearly not only an invasion of privacy but also an infringement on our personal liberties! 

That leaves the real question: Who fears over-achieving Cubs so much that they would go to such great lengths to slow us down? Who is really behind this? Two words: Harvard. Westlake.

The motive is there. For too long, Harvard Westlake has lived in the shadow of Loyola’s greatness. What one might consider to be a half a step up from a peewee football team can in no way compete with the Big Blue’s storied history. The monochromatic buildings making up their campus come nowhere near the awe-inspiring Gothic architecture that makes Loyola resemble a Hogwarts-esque Ivy League institution rather than a high school. 

This so-called “rivalry” mirrors that between a hammer and a nail more than a fight between, say, a Cub and a Wolverine. In a new digital era in which cyberwarfare reigns supreme, the Wolverines are using Proctorio to steal the identities and information of us Cubs in their latest attempt to gain an upper hand in this one-sided rivalry. 

To all the skeptics asking for “evidence,” I can present none—nor should it be needed. It is a known fact in the 1901 Anon Community that our rival, conspiring with Bill Gates and George Soros, has funded and will continue to fund the wildly absurd “fake news” that you will soon hear from the polarized media. Besides, the idea of someone else stealing all of the hard work you’ve put into your academic career should be enough for you to be disgusted at and therefore listen to anything I tell you! 

Cover your cameras—Prime Minister Xi Jinping and the Harvard Westlake deep state are watching! The Wolverines are lurking and have infiltrated our ranks. Believe me.


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